Clawing the thin ice

So that friend who was living in a roach-infested motel who came to stay with me, then left the same day, is back.

I freaked out the first time she came because it meant that I was responsible for two other people (he and her son) and I didn’t know where they were going to sleep. Once we figured it out, she found out the motel had her check and she went back. Then I freaked out because she left. I thought I’d done something wrong.

Now she has been kicked out again because, once again, she never received her check. My son is freaking out again because we are under so much stress with the house, money, my illness, etc, etc. But tomorrow I’m going to have her talk to my social worker, who is working on getting me a home health aide, so maybe she can get some help and get placed in an apartment.

My social worker was going to help me get an apartment, but I would have to give up all my cats. I can’t do that. They are my loves, my heart. I can’t exist without them.

Anyway, she’s here. I’m going to try to help her. Why, you may ask, when I’m going through so much? Because I wouldn’t want someone telling me “no” and turning their back on me when I needed help. I just can’t do that.

As for my own house, the mortgage company told me that I could keep it if I was able to get the account caught up by the 15th.

So, can I have $5,000?

(via writeoneleaf)

I didn’t know what the hell this was, so I had to google it. According to Wikipedia, which is always right, kairos is an ancient Greek word for the right or opportune moment. The supreme moment.

My first thought after finding this out was, “Those moments always pass me by.”

Kairos is

a moment of undetermined period of time in which something special happens. What the special something is depends on who is using the word.

I feel like I don’t have those moments or periods of time anymore, like I’ve lost my chance for kairos.

So be on the lookout for your kairos. Seize those moments and take full advantage. Never forget how precious they are.

Because there may be a time in your life when those moments stop happening, and life leaves you wishing you’d lived it to the fullest when you had the chance.

katherinedevine:

“You don’t have a soul, you are a soul, you have a body”

-C.S. Lewis

I found this quote when I was in a really bad fibromyalgia flare. For me it was very comforting because I felt and still feel like I’m trapped in a broken body, but I’m free in spirit.

I saw this quote not too long ago (could even have been today) and it reminded of something I read in a Richard Matheson book, What Dreams May Come. (If you have not read it, read it. Forget the movie. Forget everything about the movie. Just read the book.)

In the book, he says something like when a person is supposed to die and they don’t, their soul dies and that person lives the rest of their lives in severe pain - without their soul.

It took me back to my near-death experience when I was about 22 and my (now ex-) husband was driving us through back roads in Colorado. The road cut through a very large hill. And, of course, we were fighting. Loud. So we didn’t hear the train. As we drove through to the end of the hill, the train was RIGHT THERE. Had my husband not had quick reflexes, we would have been grease marks on that road. Was I supposed to die then? Because it wasn’t long after that I started having severe back problems. 

Ever since reading the book, I’ve been wondering about that. Was I supposed to die then? Is that why my life is so screwed up, why I have chronic pain (Fibromyalgia, migraines, spinal problems, etc), why I don’t feel like I can find my place in this world anymore? Because I wasn’t supposed to be here this long?

Something else that was brought up in the book was choosing our lives before we live them. And how some people will choose a life of suffering to make up for mistakes made in a previous life. If that’s the case, what the fuck did I do to deserve this? Can I change my mind? I think the karmic debt is paid already! 

It just makes me wonder.